Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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