I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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