maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize