What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
