ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
