Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i don't like sucking hair
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
