Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
