I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize