I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
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