I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He better not be in your backpack
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
