okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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