he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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