Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
