Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
