we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
