So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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