if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
