The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize