Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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