He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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