Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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