I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
