And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
