Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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