Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
