All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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