Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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