Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
