So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
