well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
