If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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