I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
