i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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