I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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