someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
