We're facebook friends in real life
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
