I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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