things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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