He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
