Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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