1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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