I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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