I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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