Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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