Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
