I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
