dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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