Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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