chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
