I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
