She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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