I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
ttyl tear gas
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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