I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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