she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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