Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
