I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
