Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
