So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
