I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
