nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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