A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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