theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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